gold dust woman

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Crap Magazines

You know what pisses me off?

The total lack of intelligent magazines for women available in the UK.

All of the monthlies/bi-monthlies/weeklies/crapplies look the same. Shit. Total and utter shit. And, god knows, if any one of these magzines were to print the word 'feminist' even in teeny tiny lettering, they would probably spontaneously combust in a massive fiery hell. Or that must be what the editors think, at least.

In the US you can buy Bitch, Bust or Ms magazines, yet NOTHING in the UK. Christ, even America is doing better than us here.

I'm getting fed up. I want to read a magazine. I want to be able to flick through a few glossy pages every now and then and read funny, interesting, insightful articles about issues that matter to me. Looks like I will just have to order them from America and spend a bomb in the process.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's All Change

Well, Matt is currently completing the process of moving out. My little boy is growing up, etc etc blah blah.

It looks as though I am going to Poland at the end of November with Charlotte! I'm so excited, if a little scared. It's not like me to be so adventurous, so... risk-taking. But I'm fed up of being the sensible one; the one with a the facts and theories, but not a lot of experiences to back them up. I think this could be so good for me.

Saturday, August 27, 2005


I've just been searching through the piles of old childhood memorabilia on top of one of the cupboards. I found the item I was after (a book of my poetry from Year Six), but one or two other pieces sparked my curiosity.

I found a bag full of baby memories. Included in the paraphenalia from maternity wards, was a diary of mom's from 1984. Supposedly, I imagine, it was given to her by some well-meaning relative to describe the ongoing progress of her first pregnancy, with my brother. But, my mother being my mother, it is not particularly detailed nor filled in that often, but the one or two notes that she had included just jumped out of the page at me.

"Can feel definite kicks now. And other people can feel them too when they put their hand on my lump!"

"Doctor says I'm getting too fat!"

"Baby due today!! Hooray!"

At the time, my mom was 22 years old. That's just three years older than I am now. And the "kicks" and the "lumnp" belonged to that of my brother, who is 20 in a couple of weeks time.

And then, I found a card addressed to "Stephan and Eleanor" on the date of Rachael's birth in 1989. It was from my nan, informing us to "look after your new little sister" and naming us "The Three Little Terrors".

It made me cry.

I don't remember growing up.

I recall, very clearly, my childhood. I can smell my Beauty and the Beast pyjamas, the dingy, 'play dough' smell of the lego box, the dark inside of the wardrobe that I curled up into a ball in whilst playing Hide and Seek... I can taste the familarity of my left thumb being sucked in my mouth, the disgusting cod liver oil capsules we were forced to take, the delicious soggy bread floating in a bowl of tomato soup... I can hear my mom's Simply Red LP playing downstairs, the clanging of plates followed by a shrill "Dinner's ready!", the sound of broken plastic crashing about as the toy box is tipped over... And, when I close my eyes and wish hard, I can see my mom's dropped jaw when she see the mess we made playing 'tents', the cheap wrapping paper glistening like fake gold on Christmas Day morning, the downstairs light kept on throughout the night like a beacon guiding to the bathroom...

And then, one day, I woke up and I thought "This house is such a mess ... I need to clean the toilet ... I don't have the money to go out tonight ... I will cook dinner for my boyfriend ... I need to get a job ... My future is here".

There is now a world beyond the front gate. But how easy it would be to stay within the safety of these walls! These walls that have kept me warm, content, innocent, naive, a fool.

I would be a fool to remain here.


Last night I was so bored that I made this

Friday, August 26, 2005


I'm bored.
And ill.
Bored and ill = not a good combination.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Move it

Well. We saw Mark.

It was a bit of an anti-climax really. We waited about forty minutes for him to come out (yes, my life is empty) and then when he did he looked quite shy and unassuming really. And I felt quite awkward and foolish for being part of a chearing crowd.

The notion of celebrity certainly is a strange one.

I just rang up Oakengates library to see if they have any vacancies. Yes! You read correctly! I made an productive step towards getting a job! They didn't have any, but - to be honest - that is almost besides the point. I made progress. I've decided I could quite like doing something like that. There'd be plenty to do, but it wouldn't be too busy and hopefully not many ignorant dickfaces about.

I need to just MAKE THAT MOVE. Once the initial steps are underway it will be a piece of piss.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Do What You Liiiike

In CelebWorld, Telford is an insignificant place.

We cling on to our only claim to fame being T'Pau (yeah, the link says they are from Shrews, but that is a big fat lie), but they haven't had a hit since the 80s (and, admittedly, they only really had one hit anyway). And, yeah yeah, Charles Darwin came from Shrewsbury, but that's Shrewsbury and not glorious Telford. And, okay, Terry Duckworth from Corrie did panto at Oakenagates one year too.

But that is it.

Oh, but Telford's reputation of being the Kwik Save of Celeb-Spotting Sites will be dead by this time next week! As, a SUPASTAR is opening the new HMV in town...


Yes, quite frankly, I am pissing my pants in excitment also. Imagine it! Everyone's favourite floppy-haired, pint-sized, wouldn't-say-boo-to-a-goose Manc right here, in Telford! I hope he will offer a rendition of 'Babe', or even 'Clemantine - eee ine eee inn ee innnnne!" from the less succesful 'Mark Owen: The Solo Years'.

What a freakin' stud.

I never did get a Mark doll for Christmas. Sniff.


So, I got my results.

*drum roll please*


English Lit : A
Film Studies: A
Media : B

I am so happy. All that worry over nothing. Although, if I had just re-taken one exam from the first paper then I could have had AAA, but oh well. It'll do!

Sadly, though, I'm having to stay in tonight instead of go and celebrate. Which stinks a bit, quite frankly, but I'm going for a meal tomorrow - so that's okay.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Not tomorrow

A Level results tomorrow.

I choose not to think about it.

I'm off to Tesco shortly to help Matt buy bedding. Yes, non-stop thrills.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Today has been mostly spent playing the Sims 2 and re-arranging Rachael's bedroom. It looks much better in there now - as if it's actualy inhabited by a human being.

Yesterday I finished Brave New World and sat outside on the grass reading.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Films (Not that anyone reads this, but if you do - then there are 'A Beautiful Mind' spoilers ahead)

I need to stop reading the 'opinions' on the IMDB message boards.

Last night, me and Matt watched A Beautiful Mind and it was fantastic. The film twisted and turned, and held onto my attention from start to finish. And, who would have thought that Riche Cunningham could create such a fantastic piece of film-mkaing? The atmosphere re-created pefectly the chaos within Nash's mind, so much that the question of reality vs. dillusion did became more and more impossible to answer.

But- you know - it won a Best Picture Oscar, so that must mean it is corporate Hollywood shit, right? No, not always. Although, I do agree that the Oscars are most likely rigged and are, essentially, a sexist and racist instition, but it does appears that in 2002 they got it right. Much, to my delight also, as there is a certain satisfaction in wiping off the grins of all those Lord Of The Rings geeks (tried extensively to find a link demonstrating the average LOTR fan's intelligence - and there are plenty of examples out there - but, jesus christ, opening that corner of the interenet is a scary, scary experience full of Aragorn/Ron Weasely porn fiction, guides for hunting orc and people who actually believe it is all true. I am frightened.). LOTR is below average - slightly entertaining, I suppose - but it is just NOT great film-making. It is mediocre at best. Cringey dialogue (okay, that's the novel - but still), one-dimensional characters, hollow acting, stereotypical direction, tedious action scenes... I am not a fan, as you can tell. Everytime I hear someone proclaim the trilogy as the greatest films ever made, I feel a little bit ill inside. It may be a nice, overblown, epic story and all - but that does NOT make it a fantastic film.

Anyway, enough with the hobbit bashing...

A Beautiful Mind was just excellent. If I was an optimistic woman then I may say that it has restored a little of my faith in Hollywood, but that - my friends - would be lying.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Pointless Entry.

As promised:

And, you know, 'cos the back of my head is pretty important:

A Level results next Thursday. Ohmigoodlordavis, etc, etc. And so forth.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Gifts: 'cos they all love me

Mother bought me a new MP3 player today, just because my old one had broke. Hah, I love my mom and her new-found richness.

Mary Louise has also made me a lovely bag. It's very sweet and I'm just going to add a few things and then perhaps post a picture. It actually makes me a little fuzzy inside that she would think to make me somthing.

Not much else to report on today, it would seem.

I'm strangely looking forward to Saturday night. I've got this feeling it's going to be very eventful. I just hope that Danni enjoys herself also.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


Trait . low score high score
Sociability 13% socially reserved, detached friendly, open
Aggressiveness 64% mild mannered, uncompetitive predatory, domineering
Assertiveness 60% introverted, loner controlling, aggressive
Activity Level 2% relaxed, laid back vigorous, high energy
Excitement-Seeking 37% sedate, restrained adventurous, wild
Enthusiasm 21% somber, pessimistic cheerful, optimistic
Trust 32% suspicious of others trusting of others
Submissiveness 58% rebellious, lawless dutiful, obedient, compliant
Altruism 22% selfish, cold, austere helpful, selfless, indulgent
Cooperation 7% argumentitive, confrontational conflict averse, meek
Modesty 16% arrogant, self-satisfied humble, unassuming, doormat
Sympathy 59% callous, heartless empathetic, warm
Confidence 79% not confident in work confident in work, egoistic
Neatness 68% disorganized, messy planner, clean, anal
Dutifulness 56% dishonest, derelict honest, rule abiding, proper
Achievement 16% lazy, unmotivated driven, goal oriented
Self-Discipline 29% procrastinator responsible, efficient
Cautiousness 80% spontaneous, daring, reckless careful, controlled, safe
Anxiety 75% relaxed, fearless fearful, worrier
Volatility 74% calm, cool touchy, tempermental
Depression 35% content, balanced emotional, self hating
Self-Consciousness 82% confident, assured low self esteem, shy
Impulsiveness 8% high self control low self control
Vulnerability 54% resilient, unphased confused, helpless
Imagination 79% practical, realistic dreamer, unrealistic
Artistic Interests 90% artistic indifference art, nature, beauty lover
Introspection 87% not self reflective self searching
Adventurousness 20% conventional, safe spontaneous, bold
Intellect 84% instinctive, non-analytical intellectual, analytical
Liberalism 94% conservative, traditional progressive, open

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Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Sometimes, I don't understand my I make everything so difficult.
I wish for some sort of powerful intervention, even if it really hurts.

This is the place
You'll end up when
You lose the chase
Where you’re dragged against your will
From a basement on the hill
And all anybody knows is
You're not like them
And they kick you in the head
And send you back to bed
Isolation pulled you past a tunnel to a bright
world where you can make a place to stay
But everybody is scared of this place
They're staying away
Your little house on memory lane
The mayor’s name is fear
His voice patrols the pier
From a mountain of cliché
That advances everyday
The doctor spoke a cloud
He rained out loud
You'll keep your doors and windows shut
And swear you'll never show a soul again
But isolation pushes you ‘til every muscle aches
Down the only road it ever takes
But everybody is scared of this place
They're staying away
Your little house on memory lane
If it's your decision
To be open about yourself
Be careful or else
Be careful or else
Uncomfortable apart
It's all written on my chart
And I take whats given me
Most cooperatively
I do what people say
And lie in bed all day
Absolutely horrified
I hope you're satisfied
Isolation pushes past self-hatred, guilt and shame
To a place where suffering's just a game
But everybody is scared of this place
They're staying away
Your little house on memory lane
Your little house on memory lane

Monday, August 08, 2005

Red Ken

I can never quite make up my mind about Ken Livingston, but, in my eyes, the following statement has certainly earned him a few points:

I think you've just had 80 years of western intervention into predominantly Arab lands because of the western need for oil.

We've propped up unsavoury governments, we've overthrown ones we didn't consider sympathetic.

And I think the particular problem we have at the moment is that in the 1980s ... the Americans recruited and trained Osama Bin Laden, taught him how to kill, to make bombs, and set him off to kill the Russians and drive them out of Afghanistan.

They didn't give any thought to the fact that once he'd done that he might turn on his creators.

A lot of young people see the double standards, they see what happens in Guantanamo Bay, and they just think that there isn't a just foreign policy

Sunday, August 07, 2005


Sometimes, I really hate men and their dicks.

Sometimes, I really hate women with their tits.

I just hate everybody, I think.

Sunday Morning, ba ba bababa baba

Oh no. This is the second weekend in a row that I have sat watching Sunday morning BBC1. I feel more and more as though I am falling into the elderly demographic.

I need money! It's funny how, when I had all that money in the Money Box, I never felt the urge to spend it, but now that I have none I'm thinking of all these things I want to buy. Grrrr, cursed irony.

Continuing from yesterday's post : how about a sexual therapist? Now, that I think I could do. Give it a few years and I reckon I would have enough knowledge and empathy regarding the subject matter. Plus, that way I could be helping women as well. We shall see.

Saturday, August 06, 2005


Hurrah. Lazy days sitting around half naked are the bests days.

Me and Matt went to Blockbusters to rent a DVD last night, but ended up buying six videos for £6 altogether instead. Not too shabsome. I picked up Down With Love, Far From Heaven and a Shooting Stars video. Hopefully I'll watch one tonight (although, odds are that I will sit here on the internet instead. Hmmph)

Sometimes, I think I would like to be a therapist of some sort. I don't know how, but I seem to have developed an ability to know people very well and understand their reasons for doing things. Shame I lack so much in the sympathy department. Oh well, another career plan down the chute!

Friday, August 05, 2005


Okay, Okay - I've been a bit crap on the whole blogging front lately. Rest assured, oh non-readers, I am back and ready for action

Monday, August 01, 2005

Animal Lady

Me and Ray just went to feed next-door's birds while they are away on holiday.

This guy's name is George and he rocks.

And this lady doesn't actually have a name that we are aware of, but is very dumb.

I am still getting over why somebody would have a chicken and cockeral in the middle of Donnington, but I suppose stranger things have happened.

there are 24 billion chickens in the
world. now THAT's a fact!

I've been having a day of rabbit-bonding with Polly today. She is seriously going to get fat if I don't play with her more, and she seems to get bored playing alone. I didn't think having a rabbit could actually be this much work. Well, it's not exactly work, but it's not as easy as you would think. That is, if you want to actually raise a happy bunny.

Location: Telford, Shropshire, United Kingdom

A young feminist with a head full of rants and complaints.


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